Day 6: Something You Hope You Never Have to Do

There are so many things in my life that I hope I never have to do, along with things I hope I never have to do AGAIN!

The first thing to pop into my mind would be to have to bury one of my children. The second thought was to have been at fault for the death or the injury of my own child.



As I thought further about this topic, however; all sorts of ideas came into my mind. I hope to never get divorced again. I hope to never be homeless again; ESPECIALLY with my children involved. I hope to never hurt people. I hope to never lose my Faith… The list seems endless. But one thing came strikingly into my thoughts and I discovered what I truly hope never to do.



I hope I am NEVER responsible for the death of someone else’s child; whether by accident, some sort of misconduct, carelessness, or… ANYTHING really.



Though the death of my own child would be a tragedy and cause me complete and utter devastation; I could not imagine the guilt that would be associated with causing that devastation for another Mother or Father, another Sister or Brother, another Grandmother or Grandfather…

Just typing these words gives me chills. Yep. That’s the one!

Day 5: Something I hope...

Something I hope to do in my Life…

I have many, many things that I hope to do in my life, but most of them seem so very basic, that I struggle to move beyond them to any sort of a “fantasy” type of hope. I don’t mean some crazy outlandish hope, but things like, “I would love to travel the world”… because I just can’t even see that far right now. The things I hope for in my life are not at all fancy, or exciting (to most people, at least); but to me, they are the world!

I hope to someday be sealed to my children and my husband for Time and All Eternity in the LDS Temple. I does not really matter which one, though I think I would like the Salt Lake City temple the best… (Mostly because it looks like a castle and this moment would be like a Princess’s dream come true!)



Someday, I hope to (more like, I AM GOING TO…) completely take care of my own family without the aid or support of any outside sources. To any of you who do not know what I mean by this, you are blessed! To those of you who do, I know you can completely relate.

I also hope for menial things like; owning my own house, having a running vehicle that fits my entire family, finishing school… WITH a degree, cooking dinner every night, keeping my house clean for more-than a day, owning NICE furniture (by that I mean something that we didn’t get for less than $100 at DI or a yard-sale), and being able to take my children on vacation.

So, yeah! Not the most grand of dreams, but they are mine and I work my tail off towards them EVERYDAY!!!

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Today is also a deep one in my book. Honesty can be scary when I have to start putting other people's names into the equation. There are a couple of people I must forgive in the near future, but I believe the most important person for me to forgive right now is my "almost" ex-husband, Matt.

As people, we can only do the best we can with the knowledge and the abilities that we currently have… And that is all. I know Matt did the best he could based upon his life experiences, the knowledge he had acquired, and the tools he had accumulated.

But I felt as though that was not enough. I felt that he should have done more, learned more, taken new directions when the ones he was exploring were not working, and TRIED HARDER. These expectations were my own, and for that; I must ask Matt for forgiveness.

Matt, for all of the actions I did not agree with, or were unhappy about; I forgive you.
For all the moments where I felt sad, or angry, or scared; I forgive you.
For the moments when your voice was raised, or the words were hurtful; I forgive you.

Matt… I forgive you. Please Forgive me?

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is one of those topics that can get really deep, and in some respects, somewhat difficult for me. You see, if you paid attention to my first two days of truth, you probably noticed that I have a tendency to find fault in myself and accept blame even for things that I have ABSOLUTELY no control over.

Those words having been spoken, I probably should forgive myself for that… but that forgiveness is for another time, on some other day.

Something pressing in my life that I must forgive myself about is the times with my children that I have lost my temper and not walked away, AND for the times when I allowed others who had lost their tempers to negatively act upon those little people most precious and dear to me. I am their Mother, their Caregiver, their Protector, and their Guide. I often failed to do my job in the past. Sometimes I failed BIG TIME!! And even though some challenges have been completely unavoidable, I have moments where I want to just BAWL for what my children have gone through.

…And I still feel as though I fail E.V.E.R.Y. D.A.Y!!

The difference between today and the past is not truly that significant. But at the same time, I think it is HUGE!!

The difference is that today, as I struggle with my children, my job, my spirituality, my college course-work, my housework, my broken down car, and my personal health, I know that I am pressing forward and doing better. The choices I make are moving my family, and my-self, towards a better tomorrow. That makes TODAY superior to yesterday, and tomorrow will be even more amazing!

Though I will never forget losing my own temper or not stepping in when someone else did; I can forgive. I will forgive… I DO Forgive.

Wow.

What a load off.

Forgiveness is Amazing, and such a gift from our Savior!! Love it!

Day 2: Something I Love About Myself

Something I LOVE about myself…

Now, this is a much more difficult subject matter for me to tackle. I have that stupid girl tendency to constantly look at my failures and short-comings, instead of focusing on the good I have to offer. Let’s see what I can come with, shall we?



1. I love that I can look at most people and see their potential. I long for those around me to become the amazing souls that I know they can be. This can also be considered a downfall, but in general, this is a great trait!

2. I love that I am patient, and loving, and kind, and only want the best for everyone I encounter. Especially my children! I want everything in the world for them… minus all the yucky stuff.

3. I love my eyes, because they are a pretty blue, and have always stayed steady, regardless of my weight, or my hair length, or my hair color. Always blue, and always clear.

4. I love the children that I am so blessed to be called Mother to. I personally thing they are the most beautiful children ever, and I am willing to argue that point until the ends of the Earth.

5. I love that I have many talents, though I would like to use them more often. I love to sing, and write, and dance, and act… Yeah. I guess you would have to call me a performer. Oh!! And I do love to cook, AND I am pretty good at it, if I do say so myself! Just ask any of my dinner guests who have been lucky enough to experience my Amazing Mashed Potatoes!!!

Once I actually started to think about the things that I could love about myself, I actually came up with several, and that makes me very happy. I am excited for this 30 days of truth journey, though I know that many very personal posts are still to come. Wish me luck!!

Day 1: Something You Dislike About Yourself...

"Oh, boy! Where do I start?" is the first thing to cross my mind when I asked myself this question. Then I realized that this is not about vanity, or about my struggle with my own body, or that the dark circles under my eyes never seem to go away. This is more than just beyond the shallow. So here goes:

1. I dislike that I lose my temper with my children sometimes. I know that to get angered is human nature, but to react in anger is under my control. I dislike that I react sometimes in ways that I wish I had not.

2. I dislike that I worry about what others think of me… A LOT! I wonder what people think about what I am wearing, how much weight I have gained, whether or not I am wearing makeup, if the color of my hair makes me look older, and what they think of me as a twice divorcee with five children, a part-time job, a full-time school schedule, and the seeming inability I have to keep my children sitting at least semi-quietly on our row during Sacrament Meeting.

3. I dislike that my family has to struggle so much right now, because I am currently ill-prepared to support them completely on my own.

4. I dislike having to feel dependent upon others, while at the same time, I don’t like that I cannot simply allow myself to lean on others during my times of need.

5. I dislike that I cannot keep my house clean, or pay my children allowances, or attend every single school activity that they are involved in. I want to be their supporting their little spirits in each and every endeavor they pursue, but I cannot. At least… not right now.

The good thing about the things that I dislike about my self is that I know that I can change them. I am only human and I can only work to be better than the day before. Though I fail EVERY DAY, I am striving for the best life I can offer Mariah, Alex, Mikayla, Gavin, and Peyton. I love them so much, and they are my world!

Awesome Idea!! 30 Days of Truth...

So, my Amazing and lovely Blogger friend Lola, has started this project on her blog, and I think it is a GREAT idea. I think this is a good project for myself, even if no one else in the world reads it, or even cares!!

Here is the list of things that I will be sharing with all the World over the next thirty days(or 40, or 50 days, or even next several months...):

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

So, here we go! Off on a new adventure!!

My Bubbah, Alex. Gotta love him!

So Alex has picked up a habit lately...

There are some days that I really wonder about this kid...

He is staying awake until all hours, acting completely zoned out from time to time, ignoring a variety of people at various times during the day, shirking his responsibilities around the house, and sometimes not even wanting to come to dinner...

Think I should be worried?



Yeah... If this is the worst habit he pickes up, I will almost promise that I will never complain about it. (Cause, you know, I can't ACTUALLY promise never to complain about him when he is reading...cause the ignoring and staying up to all hours can get to be a bit much.)

He's also a goof, for those of you who didn't already know... Oh, wait! Everyone already knew! Oh, well! Here's a photo just so we have some concrete evidence should his goofiness ever come into question:

Gotta love my Baby!!

Peyton can never just be happy to play with his own things. He likes to wear everyone else's shoes, clothes, and play with EVERYBODY else's toys. Here's a photo of Peyton in Alex's new skateboard helmet. He seems to have gotten back into the habit of squinching up his face when he smiles or we say, "Cheese!"



Goodness gracious! I love all of my children, and in photos like this one, I really LOVE MY BABY!!!