"Oh, boy! Where do I start?" is the first thing to cross my mind when I asked myself this question. Then I realized that this is not about vanity, or about my struggle with my own body, or that the dark circles under my eyes never seem to go away. This is more than just beyond the shallow. So here goes:
1. I dislike that I lose my temper with my children sometimes. I know that to get angered is human nature, but to react in anger is under my control. I dislike that I react sometimes in ways that I wish I had not.
2. I dislike that I worry about what others think of me… A LOT! I wonder what people think about what I am wearing, how much weight I have gained, whether or not I am wearing makeup, if the color of my hair makes me look older, and what they think of me as a twice divorcee with five children, a part-time job, a full-time school schedule, and the seeming inability I have to keep my children sitting at least semi-quietly on our row during Sacrament Meeting.
3. I dislike that my family has to struggle so much right now, because I am currently ill-prepared to support them completely on my own.
4. I dislike having to feel dependent upon others, while at the same time, I don’t like that I cannot simply allow myself to lean on others during my times of need.
5. I dislike that I cannot keep my house clean, or pay my children allowances, or attend every single school activity that they are involved in. I want to be their supporting their little spirits in each and every endeavor they pursue, but I cannot. At least… not right now.
The good thing about the things that I dislike about my self is that I know that I can change them. I am only human and I can only work to be better than the day before. Though I fail EVERY DAY, I am striving for the best life I can offer Mariah, Alex, Mikayla, Gavin, and Peyton. I love them so much, and they are my world!
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